Monday, January 09, 2012

My Father's Birthday

He died in December 2009.

He didn't like me.

He abandoned me on several occasions. He participated with my mother on attacks on me. He despised me. I kept going back, offering olive branches, but he would have none of it.

I can guess why, but it would remain that .. a guess.

I failed to share my faith with him. He was an atheist. I was raised that way, but became a Christian in 1985, aged 18. I became more spiritually aware in 2010, but he had died.

Sometimes, when alone, I get reminders of things past. An incident where I hadn't behaved well, or felt unjustly put upon. It isn't often things involving my father. but sometimes these events did. Like when I tried to steal candy from a shop by putting the sweets directly in my pocket. I would have been about 8 or 9 years old, and knew better. My dad pointed out that the checkout lady was watching and suggested I return the sweets. So I put most of the contents of a pocket back. And he said "And the rest" so I emptied that pocket. He also knew about the other pocket and I emptied that one too. Later, when my brother was getting an Eagle Scout award, my dad leaned over and pointed out, quietly, that good behavior meant not stealing.

But more often my feelings are provoked by a memory involving regret or loss. I say to myself that I am dead. Or I call out some girl's name. I get these anxiety attacks in waves. They are debilitating.

I first became aware of these attacks when I was about 17 years old. I was too fat and would jog a lot, but not enough. It would help that I didn't live close to a railway station and needed to walk up hill to get anywhere. I suffer from sleep apnea, and have since I was born. If I lie down my nose blocks and I can't breathe. So I used to try to raise my heart rate to clear my nose. But I can't sleep, only rest, and so dwell on things. And suffer these debilitating attacks.

A neighbor once asked me about it. They kept overhearing me calling out a girl's name, or 'hate' and they tried to be understanding. It is just how I live.

But then I became spiritually aware. I used to feel I was stressed, and my expostulations were a result of that stress. But now I am considering the possibility of spiritual attack. I am thinking that it isn't stress which is psyche, but more related to my not accepting God in my life as faith. The difference being I can pray if the attack is spiritual, whereas I am prey if it is psychological.

Prayer seems to work. I wish I could tell my dad.
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