I began the project because although my love is sincere and a strong conviction for me, I am inadequate to capitalise on it. I am too fat, too old, I have never dated and may not be capable of giving what I need for what I want. I want a family. I want to raise my children to know God and, I don't wish to leave them to their own devices until they are middle aged. But my health is not good and living to my '90s seems a little ambitious when I may not reach my '50s from lack of fitness.
God can do it. He can bless me. I can achieve the dream. It is a nightmare thinking I might live long and yet not live, because I didn't have the faith I needed to do what I wanted.
I haven't always had that faith. I pay a high price for my past failure. I tried to be a good son to my dad and I lost him because I hadn't shown the leadership he needed to discover faith. I wanted his love, but I tread the wrong path.
Through no fault of my own, although I have many faults, I have no job in my profession. This is mainly due to corruption within the NSW public service and previous Government, covering up a bungled pedophile investigation and the death of Hamidur Rahman. I have to forgive my abusers and move on. Without a job and a hope for the future that is hard.
I can write, and read. Today I commence two more projects. I will begin reading "All of Grace" which is Spurgeon's apology. I also begin writing "He Lives" which is my two part apology, showing God is possible and giving testimony that he is ever present.
I must move on, and in faith and love, embrace the future. Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday and season's greetings .. it is all good.