The male partner of a couple dies sooner than his single counterpart, but it is a better death.
Surrounded by family and loved ones. Perhaps that nagging takes a toll, but the candle which burn twice as bright, burns half as long.
And the actual difference in average ages isn't much.
The death of a single guy is pathetic. Lonely.
Sex with a lot of women is over rated.
Love and devotion is under rated.
Yet in our youth, so much effort is spent on some things which are ultimately unrewarding.
Monday, March 03, 2008
It Is Good To Be A Couple
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I like being single, but my friends think there’s something wrong with me.
Kate de Brito
Dear Bossy: I’m 31 and practically all of my friends are married now and preparing to start, or already have started, families.
Here’s the thing: I don’t feel like the “odd one out” at all. I’m very happy with my life and where it’s at. However, 2 of my close friends, who are both married, recently expressed their concern that “we worry you’ll leave it too late to meet someone”, “you’ve had issues in the past and I think you’re making excuses to not settle down”. This angered me to no end. They were talking to me as though I have so little self-knowledge that I don’t realise how unfulfilled I really am etc. I love the stage of life I’m in right now. Sure, I’ve had issues with men in the past and have been badly burned but that was years ago and I’m completely over all of that and have been for a long time. I’m the most content I’ve ever felt and the most self-assured I’ve ever felt. I’m happy with my work life, my social life and my personal life - which is just me at the moment. I’m working hard to get on top of my debts and become financially secure and financially independent and I’m absolutely loving my lot in life right now.
According to my friends, the fact that I’m not sure if I ever want to have kids, is an excuse too. Apparently, my clock is ticking (scientifically, it is, I know). Apparently, it gets harder and harder to meet decent people the older you get and *shock horror* “What if takes you 2 or 3 boyfriends to find The One?”.
To be honest, I felt like a case study in singledom. I felt like I was being criticised for my life choices, for the way I’ve previously handled relationships and for the men I’ve previously chosen to date or become involved with. I told them that I’m totally open to meeting someone but it’s low on my list of priorities right now. I’ve never had trouble getting dates before and I certainly wouldn’t now. However, because I used to be really shy around men, they still think I am, even though I haven’t been out socially with either of them for a long time. I deliberately took myself to a music festival recently - on my own - in an attempt to simply meet people, and it worked like a charm. I had a great day with a great bunch of people I’d never met before in my life and will hopefully catch up with again at some stage. I’m hardly shy anymore, quite the opposite actually, but when I am around my girlfriends in social situations, I feel like I’m being silently scrutinised and I tend to clam up.
I’ve been single for years, dated guys here and there and that’s been it. It’s the way I like it. Prior to that, I had numerous boyfriends. I know that I will settle down oneday, but what’s the damn hurry? I feel like everything they were saying to me was because they were thinking “If I was still single, it’s not how I’d live my life”. I’ve never felt like I need a boyfriend to feel complete. I’m happy to sometimes date, sometimes be on my own, and oneday I’ll be happy to settle down but I’m just not at that point in my life yet. It’s not a problem for me, so why is it a problem for them? Since when is being involved with someone a requirement?
I resent how they talk like there is something wrong with me. I have complete faith in myself and complete faith that I will meet a wonderful guy at some stage. I’m a very different person to what I was a few years ago. I’m sick of this “one-size-fits-all” mentality and I don’t know what to say if they bring it up again, because I know they will. It’s incredibly stressful and frustrating to be treated like a case study. My life ‘aint broke, so why are they trying to fix it?
Many thanks, Frustrated but happy
Bossy says: Your friends are trying to fix your life because they’re convinced you’re on the wrong path. And you’re not the first to notice this particular phenomenon. Singles like you have long lamented the fact “smug-marrieds” seem unable to accept they’re happy on their own. They report the pain of having to listen to lectures about ticking clocks and finding Mr Right interspersed with lots of matchmaking.
Partly, to give your friends the benefit of the doubt, they’re interfering because they are in such a state of loving bliss they want everybody near and dear to them to experience it too. We’re in love! We love! You should love too! Less altruistically they are operating under the illusion that people who live differently to them must have a problem. Many people feel this way. This is what groups us together with people with similiar interests or lifestyles, so you find mums hanging out with mums, couples with couples, people who ride bicycles with other people who ride bicycles. Tofu lovers are the exception...there are so few of us we often hide quietly among the meat eaters hoping not to be noticed. But I digress!
It’s human nature to be nervous when we see others doing something differently - especially if they seem to be enjoying themselves. When this happens it calls into question our own decisions. So while your friends may be very happy in their relationships they may also experience pangs of underlying envy at your flexible carefree lifestyle. No smelly socks; no weekends at Ikea and no snoring. On a more practical note sometimes couples find it easier to hang out with other couples simply because the single creates an odd number at the table and does not want to discuss home loans and kids schooling and destinations for romantic getaways.
What I don’t get, Frustrated but Happy, is why you care? Sure, it’s annoying having your life choices questioned, but you could easily laugh off these sort of conversations until your friends realised the subject was a dead end.
I wonder whether with all of this self-growth you’ve done recently you failed to grasp some key issues. If you are happy with your lifestyle, be happy with it. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not justified. There will always be knockers. Don’t let them drag you back. Being a grown up is partly about being able to stand up to people who criticise you, either by just refusing to justify yourself or by simply letting them know the subject is getting old. Tell your friends that while you appreciate their concern, you feel it is starting to border on criticism - and surely that is not what they intended?
I appreciate that sometimes when we make progress in life the last people to recognise it are those old, close friends who wish to keep us frozen in their minds as the once chubby teenager, the shy 20something or the nerdy computer geek.
This is where the new, mature you comes to the fore. Stand proud, and stand up for yourself. This doesn’t mean long arguments with your friends about the merits of a single lifestyle; it means being upfront and confident enough to put them (gently) in their place.
If you are living life as you truly want it, feeling happy and connected and not hurting others, then you are exactly where you should be. You will know that deep in your heart and will not even begrudge the naysayers. When you are really convinced, you will stop needing to convince others. All the best
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